Archive for September, 2014

The little colored lights in Miranda’s bedroom window twinkled in the dark as she dozed off dreamily clinging to the warm feelings about Peter, her adolescent crush, and Christmas. Miranda always put up a string of lights in her bedroom. This way she could have Christmas in her room all December long. She loved to lay in the dark in her room with the lights twinkling, listening to her radio when the stations were playing Christmas music. As she floated off in that first stage of sleep she was suddenly startled by a loud bang. She sat up sleepily as her heart thumped and the knot gripped her belly. She felt the familiar warm rush of anxiety overtake her and held her breath to listen. No voices, no shouting. Just that horrible sense that something bad was happening and that awful silence. BANG, again, louder than before. Now whimpers and muffled cries. It is happening again, Miranda thought angrily. He was hurting her Mother and there was nothing she could do about it but hide under her pillow until it went away. BANG, BANG. What was he doing to her ? Miranda could hear her Mother crying now and the muffled angry voice of her stepfather. Miranda ? A small groggy voice could be heard behind the door of Miranda’s bedroom door. As it opened Kara the oldest of her younger siblings came in rubbing her eyes, followed by Kelly. “I am scared”, they whined as they moved toward Miranda’s bed. “It’s ok”, she reassured, knowing it was not. You can sleep here on the floor. She put down blankets for them and told them Christmas stories to keep their minds off what was happening behind the adjacent wall to where they huddled. It was at least an hour before the awful sounds of some unknown horrors behind her Mother’s bedroom door seemed to pass. Eventually the younger Joan had wandered in as she woke from the noises in the night. Only Cindi and Baby James had slept peacefully through it all. After the girls in Miranda’s room dozed off on the floor and all seemed quiet and safe again, Miranda started to drift back into slumber. Again she was awakened by a sense of someone’s presence and noticed the shadow of her Mother in her room. She opened one eye, but pretended she was still asleep. She saw her Mother cover Kara and Kelly, and lift Joan into her arms. As she quietly tiptoed out with Joan in her arms she closed the door behind her. Miranda drifted back into sleep as the Christmas lights twinkled on, like some contradictory symbol of “Peace on Earth” in the aftermath of a battle.

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Colors and Contrasts

I always used to grapple with the answer to this question. What is your favorite color? I always hated that question because coming up with an answer is like a task to me. I cannot, no matter how hard I try come up with just one answer. Truth is. I love color. All color, and never has any one single color remained my favorite for long. I have a preference to certain colors and shades from time to time, depending on a variety of factors. My mood, the time of year. Am I wearing the color ? Decorating my house with it ? But to name one favorite ? Cannot do it.

I love it ! In all it’s glorious forms. Contrasting sights, sounds, smells and tastes. Black on white, crunchy and mushy, sweet and salty, Hot and cold, loud and soft.
I like crunchy nuts in my creamy oatmeal and cold ice cream on my hot fruit pie.
I like to sleep in a chilly room with a cozy warm blanket or out on cold night in front of a warm fire. I like a cold frozen snow scene with the glow of warmth and life in the windows of a home.
I love the Twilight time of day, when the trees and buildings look pitch black against a sky that is still lit by the sun set over the horizon.

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The Stages of My Life


1:Birth to Twenty
These were the years of growth and discovery. Here I learned to dream. I learned to hope. I learned I could find comfort in my hopes and dreams. I learned I could cope with difficulty by drawing from a strength within me, when there were no resources from the outside. I learned there was more, more than what we could see with our eyes, or touch with our hands. I discovered magic and miracles and secrets that not everyone knew about. I learned there was more to me than a body and a mind. I learned I had a spirit/soul and that it was very special. I learned I had power that no one could take from me. I also learned that not all people were good, And that there was a lot to fear in this world. That I had to protect myself because there was no one else I could depend upon on to do that. I also learned that I could fly. In fact I could soar to great heights if I so chose. I learned that nothing was really impossible if you wanted it bad enough. I learned to believe.
2: Age Twenty to Forty
Here I chose a path that took me on a journey away from my true self. In my deep need for love and acceptance I followed romantic love on a march to the beat of someone Else’s drum. All the dreams and hopes and wishes of my youth were put away in a box on a dusty shelf as I lived to please others and seek my self esteem through the roles I played in the lives of others . My spouses opinions were mine, as well as my preferences, tastes, and all manner of things. I was a mere extension of someone else. As for my soul, I turned to organized religion, shrinking my innocent spiritual freedom into a list of do”s and dont’s to follow the crowd, and again, gain the love and acceptance of others. Until I faced hurt and betrayal and lost all that I thought was important to me. It was then that I discovered what was truly important. The Spirit inside of me. And it was the best thing that could have happened to me. The darkest hours really are just before dawn .
3: Age Forty to sixty.
Here all the things I learned in childhood I finally was able to put into practice. I returned to pursuing dreams . I resumed my youthful practice of hope. The strength I learned to draw from within as a child served me well at the start of this stage and I was more fearless than ever. I realized I still believed in miracles and magic. During this stage I have discovered who I am. In body mind and spirit. I found my own opinions and tastes and preferences as an adult me. I discovered skills I never had the chance to develop. I accomplished things I never knew I could. I learned to nurture myself. I weeded out the things that help me grow and the things that do not. . What serves me well in this life and what does not. What is healthy for me and what isn’t. I have learned balance. I have learned that I am on this life journey for a divine reason. That I will make mistakes along the way because I am not perfect and am not expected to be. And my creator loves me unconditionally. And that the best way I can love my creator in return is to love that which he loves so dearly. Myself. I have learned that forgiveness of others and oneself is tremendously freeing. I have learned that what others think of me is not nearly as important as I thought it was in my youth. I have discovered that good relationships are all about balance. If you make them all about you, you will lose people eventually. If you make them all about other people, you will lose yourself in the process. I believe that love fixes almost anything but people don’t always know how to define love correctly.
As a child I learned how to fly, and I do that regularly now. I soar to great heights in my spirit. Because I am truly free.

So here I am at another twenty year mark. Will this be the beginning of yet a new stage ? I cannot wait to find out.

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